Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ode to Living Each Day As It Comes

Not so long ago or very far away
I used to plan and peck and analyze
every single day

My life was not spontaneous
My life had little joy
But I believe that this all changed
around the time I had a little boy

For then life came much faster
I had not time to plan
I had to get used to
taking things at hand

And then there came another
and with chaos I've been hit
I admit at times
I've raged and thrown a fit
at the grand injustice
of never having things go my way
but lately I have realized
that I alone cannot shape my day

Each day is a present
I can open and behold
I sit back and let it ride
and try not to fit into a mold
of what I think is perfect
or what I think is right
My goal now is just to be
and sleep well throughout the night

Monday, May 10, 2010

Black & White

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I hope everyone had a nice one. Mine was...well, it was. (This isn't meant to impugn my family, who did a fine job.) Remember that movie, Me, Myself, and Irene? Remember how Jim Carrey's character tries SO HARD to be a calmer version of himself? He takes deep breaths, counts to 10 and does everything in his power to not go postal when everyone seems to be walking all over him? Then at one point he just snaps? I feel like I have been rather overdue for a "snap." I've been talking in my sweetest mommy voice, being my gentlest self to the point of exhaustion. I've always felt that having a good meltdown is the way to reset my clock.

Ever since I became a mother I've been trying to pin down exactly what being one means. Am I the one in control? Am I the maid? Are mother's the one in the house that must constantly swallow their pride and let everyone steamroll them (there IS one of those in every house, right?). Am I just supposed to blend into the background, or am I supposed to be an active participant? The problem is that mom's are supposed to do ALL of those things, usually at the same time. I try to tell myself that being a housewife is no more stressful than if I went to a regular job, but as I sit here feeling the blood rush through my temples at rapid speed, I know that just isn't true.

I am a black & white person. I don't really like it, but I've come to realize that you can't change anything unless you first accept it. I like to put things in a neat little labeled box (not literally), stick a bow on it and tuck it away on a shelf. Motherhood is not something that can be boxed. In fact, not many things can be. I'm not sure, at 27, if I am figuring this out early or late in life. How the world works and how I want to perceive things seems to be at odds. Or maybe I am just feeling negative.

What I want to know is this: What is your primary role as a mother? Mine is the overlord of the household. I make all the decisions; everyone defers to me. I can be a benevolent queen or a malevolent tyrant. I simultaneously love and hate this position. I love that my opinion is valued. But then again, there is an immense pressure that comes along with making all the decisions. Once again, I suppose it all comes down to balance. That's one word I am thinking of striking from my vocabulary.